On Perception II.

My previous post was one on the way that people perceive you and the power that has over your life. Perception is reality and the world we live in is one that lives and dies on preconceived notion and first impressions. I find it only fitting to be followed with a post on how I would like to be perceived, since my reaction to my past outside perspectives (those that people have had towards me in the past) was a somewhat negative one.

First and foremost, I want to be taken seriously. I want to be seen as capable and knowledgeable. Never would I complain about being seen as an attractive person but it can be a double-edged sword in a career or job. I have at many times found that if I slip up in the slightest, there are plenty of people to point it out and attempt to discredit my accomplishments; writing me off as a person who got where I am/got the job that I have due solely to looks. I’m resentful of this because I’ve worked my ass off. Not only in college through completing two degree programs while still working enough to support myself, but in any job that I’ve had. I worked 12 hour shifts regularly at my last job, and worked more at home to accomplish what I couldn’t get done there. I spent hours learning new skills and solving problems I didn’t even have to just to be able to be good at what I do and know the field from top to bottom. It was so very frustrating when I would hear anyone downplay that. And it’s why I spend so much time studying and learning more than anyone else – I don’t like giving anyone anything to say. I don’t like for them to be able to take cheap shots. Like I said previously, I hate more than anything to look incompetent.

Next, I’ve always had a problem being an open person. I’ve just been this way for as long as I can remember. I think it’s from learning early on that if you open up, sometimes people will use those things that you tell them against you. It was all the more frustrating because I have always prided myself on being a lockbox. If you tell me something in confidence, I’ll take it to the grave. It sucked when other people didn’t do this. This has become less of an issue as I have surrounded myself with with wonderful friends in my adult life, people that really care for me in a genuine way. True friends that I really can be honest with… That I can mess up around and they keep my secrets and love me anyway. So I’m working on being perceived as a more open person. I want to be one of those people that radiate warmth and welcoming and that people feel comfortable opening up to as well. I think it just takes time to let old habits die.

Lastly, I want to be perceived as successful. This somewhat ties in with my first desire I suppose, to be perceived as capable. I have had a couple conversations in the last six months or so in which something was said that undercut an accomplishment that I felt that I had achieved. I was surprised each time at just how much that bit into me. But I’ve worked to hard to reach the goals I have finally reached to have anyone belittle them for any reason. I suppose that it didn’t help that these conversations were ones had with men; as I’ve gotten older I think I’ve come into a more combative stance with men. I feel like I have something to prove. Again, I want to be taken seriously. And a lot of past not-being-taken-that-way has come from male coworkers, male bosses. I don’t even think it is a malicious thing, more of an ingrained societal thing. Maybe that’s a post in the making…

Again, I know that you need to be proud of yourself, not need that from others. But you should take into account just how you come off to people because their perception of you shades their reality and the way in which they interact with you. The impression you give others is important, especially in a career setting. It’s just a good thing to keep in mind. If for nothing else then just for self-improvement.

 

On Perception.

An old favorite of mine, from Paradise Lost:

“The mind is a universe and can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
― John Milton

Perception of the self, perception of your life and your circumstances, these are the things that create your story. Your perception is your own reality. As Milton wrote, your mind is capable of creating the universe it resides in. Similarly, the perception of others creates their reality. I had a coworker who would say that to me when I found myself aggravated by the some of the ridiculous things that people would complain about. If a customer, client, guest is unhappy, that is justified in their world. It makes sense to them for whatever reason. It is a good thing to remember even out of the workplace, we all walked different paths. We all have different triggers and different beliefs. We perceive based on individual experience.

I was curled up on the couch with my journal the other day, trying to get inspired but finding myself with a serious case of writers block. So I googled some writing prompts and ended up reading an article that really made me think… 20 Questions to Know Yourself Better. One of the questions asked was “How Do People Perceive You?”

I was thrown by this question because I was surprised by my immediate emotional reaction to it. It wasn’t a good one; the closest I could describe the feeling would be one of animosity. The perception of others, in my experience and through the feedback I have received, has in many instances in my life felt misguided at best, unfair at worst.

There have been many times in my life that I have felt prejudged for one reason or another. Somewhere along the line I went from a boisterous, mischievous child to a painfully shy adolescent. I felt completely invisible during that time in my life, and mostly I was. And invisible was fine by me. Switching schools multiple times in three years and feeling constantly out of place and different made me more comfortable in just blending into the background. I pulled this off marvelously until high school at which point I discovered, with the help of my fashionable cousin and a good friend, the magical transforming powers of makeup, contacts, and not wearing baggy t-shirts and tennis shoes everyday.

My oh my… how things can change overnight. I went from wallpaper to a strobe light in the worst possible scenario in which that can occur – as a shy teenage girl in a highschool setting. Any attention I attracted from boys was in direct correlation to the negative attention I received from girls. Perception of me, at this point in my life, was that I was a pretty girl who did not involve herself in after school life, gossip, or dating and therefore must be stuck up/full of herself. Truth was that I was just still that shy girl and had no idea how to handle attention or hang out with the cool girls. I didn’t have things in common with them. I found most of them catty and frivolous and disloyal. They, in turn, found me weird if they ever tried to speak to me at all. This was my first real run-in with unfair perception.

The same pre-judgement has followed me into my adult life, for somewhat similar reasons. While I did outgrow much of that painful awkwardness, that shyness that had caused me issues in my youth; being a mid-to-late 20’s attractive girl working as a bartender through college had its own interesting set of outside perceptions. Namely, people think you are stupid, or at least uneducated. They think you can’t do any better. I cannot tell you how many times I was asked at my last job if I had ever traveled outside of my home state, just how many kids I had, if I ever considered getting a real job. People make assumptions based solely on your vocation and how you look, before you ever open your mouth. I liked to let them talk for awhile before I hit them with the fact that I was in the process of finishing/had my Master’s degree. The look of surprise was always highly satisfying.

I now have a problem with the perception that I am not a person that should be taken seriously. I am still a young female and that comes with a collection of assumptions that men of my same age just do not have to deal with. You got the job because you are pretty, not qualified. You got the promotion because you are sleeping with your boss, not due to hard work. You don’t really know what you are doing. You should be second guessed. It is because of these things that I hate looking incompetent more than anything. I feel that I need to know more, prepare more, and never mess up. I had a boss once that would refer to me as “little girl/ little lady” even though I was 30 years old and had been working in the field for years. Another told me that I dressed too sexy even though I wore turtlenecks and blazers to work everyday in a deliberate attempt to not look sexy. Yes, these were older men. But their perceptions held me back.

The way that people perceive you really can impact your life, for better or for worse. It can mess with your self-esteem (just ask my 15 year old self) and it can begin to influence the universe you create/the world that you live in. As much as I’d like to say you should never care what people think of you, and in many instances that rings exceptionally true, sometimes in a career setting you really should care. Impressions are important. Perception of you is everything. The only thing you can do is recognize the reality of the situation and be attuned to those outside perceptions… As misguided and unfair as they might still be.

 

 

To my Younger Self

This post could also be titled “What I have Learned” and is really just an amalgamation of the life lessons I’ve discovered in the last ten years or so. I do wish I had known some of these things when I was younger, at least come to these conclusions a bit sooner, but I honestly do believe in learning things the hard way. I believe in trial and error and life experiences and drinking it all in. Regret is a waste of time and the way you frame the circumstances that life throws at you makes all the difference as to what you learn (or don’t learn). So that being said… Here’s are some truths I’ve recognized throughout the years:

  1. Being angry is an absolute waste of time and energy. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to forget, but move on. Do not ruminate on how you’ve been hurt or who has caused it. It all just makes you stronger anyway.
  2. Young and pretty only gets you so far and it doesn’t last forever. So start building work ethic and making contacts. Take things seriously in whatever silly college side-job you are working. Always take pride in what you are doing and do your best no matter what it is. I don’t care if it’s mopping floors. Do it well.
  3. If someone treats you poorly and you’ve done nothing to them, let it be. It is a reflection of what is inside them and not of you. Do your best to not take it personally. In the same vein, be respectful even when others are disrespectful towards you. Let them make themselves look bad.
  4. Don’t trust everyone. Just because you are authentic and have good intentions does not mean that everyone else does.
  5. It is okay, in fact wonderful, to be different. It is a gift. Not a nightmare. Be proud of who you are and cut out the negative self talk. It will waste years of potential growth.
  6. You are and you become who you surround yourself with. Their standards of behavior become your own. Invite into your life only people you admire, respect, and aspire to be similar to.
  7. Get involved in something. In anything. Find your passion, find a group with the same passion. Run with it.
  8. Write more. Read more. This will be what saves you.
  9. There is a camaraderie and support that comes only from your girlfriends. Find good ones and hold onto them no matter what. Be a good friend and be a good listener. Be there for them and they will be there for you, in so many ways.
  10. Don’t act on impulse or emotion. Check your temper. Regret can come from 1 second of losing control. Dignity is absolutely everything.
  11. Treat people well. Accept them for who they are. Don’t judge, don’t criticize, and don’t harm. Actions and words have consequences. Each person is a product of a conglomerate of experiences and circumstances that are different from your own. Understanding this is the first step in your own personal path to tolerance, compassion, and understanding. To treat people badly is to harm your own personal development.

Getting it the Fuck Together.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything of substance and forethought. It’s been a long time since I’ve even signed into this blog. I think it’s finally time to return to this outlet. I’m really not sure why I left in the first place. I’ve spent the last year distracting myself from thought and self growth for reasons of which I’m not clear. I didn’t know where I was going in life so I went outside of myself rather than deal with it. Desperately seeking beauty in the words and actions of others when what I really needed to do was seek reality and solace in my own. Lately that lack of involvement with myself has been manifesting itself in some some not so beautiful ways. I’ve pushed away some people I care very much about. I’ve silenced my inner dialogue.

I’ve lost a grip on the higher purpose I used to feel. I’ve accomplished so many goals yet feel like I’ve not accomplished nearly enough. Not whatever it was I was created to do. It’s left me feeling apathetic and confused. Every human being needs a higher purpose (just ask Viktor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning… In fact, I beg you to. You’ll be reading it along with me).

The trick in our modern age complete with its overwhelming choices is finding out just what your purpose is. For some people it comes with religion, sometimes with education, career, with having children, with achieving something no one ever has. Sometimes unfortunately it even manifests itself in uglier ways, in hatred or warfare. For me, well.. I once thought it was education and learning the world. Now I’m not so sure.

The most challenging task in this life is figuring out what drives you, finding it inside of yourself. Your self-contained destiny. Because that is all up to you and only you. This is my new goal. I’ve begun today.