On Focus. 

I had a professor that used to say “what you focus on you amplify”. He said it so many times I think of it often even all these years later. 

I think of it when I force myself to take a step back from whatever it is I’m dwelling on at the time and to realize that the thing I am giving power to is a negative thought, unfortunate circumstance, or am upsetting memory or emotion. 

I have to ask myself if focusing on this thing or idea (whatever it might be) could ever change it or be productive, or if the amount of time/effort I’m giving it is simply feeding the flames of self doubt and relinquishing power to past events… Past events that have no bearing on the here and now, or have no business in doing so.

It is an active process; changing your thought pattern and your focus. It is mental hard work that takes an effort physically akin to lifting railroad tracks and switching them to another line. 

The past cannot be changed. That even goes for something as near as yesterday. Ugly things have happened. Ugly things will happen. But the most important thing, when you feel yourself fall into that hole that those ugly moments create, is to use the power you have to remember the beautiful. 

Because life truly is beautiful. It is a thing that we can experience only once. One extremely limited life in an extremely constricted time frame but it is our only one. No matter what happens you owe it to whatever greater power took the time to make life possible for you and for you to breathe and think and make decisions and love and be and exist. 

The last five years have been a trial for me. I have learned what losing family is. I’ve learned of illness and grief and solitude and guilt and self-doubt and self-destruction. I have questioned myself and my decisions and my worth and my purpose. At times I find myself dwelling on these events. This is where the railroad tracks come in.

When I am drowning I have learned to make myself focus on the good… That also in these last five years I have done so much living; That I have train hopped in Europe, gave away everything I owned and learned so much from it, graduated college and then graduated again, started a new and meaningful career, moved 2000 miles, deepened even already deep friendships with my amazing friends, galloped on horseback in the Italian countryside, slept in a beach cave and swam with sea turtles, overcome fears of incompetency, read outlook-changing books, heard life changing stories of people I made friends with in hostels and on trains. 

And even without these experiences, at a basic level, there is so much to be thankful for. I have a healthy body. A healthy mind. I have family. I have a car. I have clean drinking water, books, a roof over my head, food. I do not struggle to survive and I don’t fear for my safety. 

Everything that I have just mentioned, from safety to train hopping, all of these things could so easily be taken for granted or overlooked in moments of despair. Most often overlooked is that you have the ability and power to focus on the good rather than the bad. We can focus on good moments and realizations and memories when the negative begins to raise its ugly head. You have this choice. 

Viktor Frankl, in his book that has forever changed my life, says that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – your attitude in any given set of circumstances,  to choose ones own way.” 

Frankl wrote this as a result of his time in Auschwitz. If meaning and beauty in the form of his novel can come of an experience such as this then what business do you have dwelling on the trivialities and trials and sad times of life today?

Someone in this world, no matter what you are going through, has it much worse than you do. Someone would give anything for the life you are cursing. Someone who is no longer living would love to trade places with you and live the life they were denied. The life you have right now. 

All is a matter of perspective. A perspective that you set for yourself because that is another gift we have been given – the gift of self-awareness and power of mind. 

I think all of us could use a reminder of this from time to time. It is within your control to feel grateful and to focus on feeling grateful. Because, remember, what you focus on you amplify. Amplify the good.  

Remember Not to Forget

“I forgot how much I loved you” he said after we hadn’t spoke in months.

And for just the most fleeting moment… It made me feel relief… or happiness? Redemption?

And then just confused. Is this bullshit or it is a genuine human realization? Can you forget how much you love someone?

When I was with him I forgot to love myself. I forgot how much I love to read. How much I love spending an entire night watching a horror movie by myself while anxiously (and un-self consciously) shoving popcorn into my face. I love thinking. And making bland food for one because that’s what I like and I’m not trying to please anyone else. I miss walking around the mall for 2 hours and buying nothing or too much and having no one to call to tell where I am and when I’ll be back. I forgot how I do love to work out, just not when I’m forced to go on someone else’s schedule. And that I love drinking wine and playing Lana Del Rey at midnight and feeling sexy on my own terms in no makeup and with no one asking me to come to bed or come watch TV or turn the music down. I forgot that I love doing all these things, all these things that make me happy and make me feel whole. So if you can forget the things that make you happy, what makes people any different?

I read a quote the other day this girl posted on Facebook. It said “People tend to say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had. You just thought you would never lose it”. I don’t know if it’s original or a cut-and-paste quote, but it did make me think about relationships and appreciation. It’s a pretty common theme. It cuts across the ages. Boy under appreciates girl. Girl gets sad. Girl leaves and/or finds someone else. Boy realizes “what he had” and tries to get her back. Or vice versa, lets not gender stereotype. Well, why do we do this? Why do we take people for granted that we love? The people that we need in our lives? It’s the people we love that keep our lives happy and meaningful, but it’s these very same people that the daily grind of life often causes us to emotionally ignore the most.

I’ve always said it is the little things that count. And it is those little things that you do for someone that you are in love with. Because I believe that to be in love is to find happiness in someone else’s happiness. Not to lose yourself, but to feel energized by their smile because you caused it. If you are in love with someone you bring them their favorite candy bar from the gas station because you saw it and you thought of them. But somewhere along the line these things seem to go away. You get used to that person being around and instead you think about washing your car or your day at work while you look at that candy bar at the gas station, and then you walk away empty handed. It is this, this complacency, that eats away at something good. Eats away at it until it’s no longer recognizable.

Relationships take work. So many people make it to that comfortable stage and forget that another person is there that chose to walk through life with them (emphasis on choice here…), and that’s a shame. Because sometimes, whether you think you’ll never lose someone or you “forget how much” how you love them, they stop caring. And often, no amount of self-realization or renewed appreciation will bring them back to you at that point. Just remember the little things.