Starting at Zero or Not Starting at All.

So I’ve been single for awhile now, around 6 months. Entirely single for three (I will admit there was a grey post-breakup time span for a bit) and I’ve had some time to reflect on the silliness that was the last two years. And what I’ve felt is a lot of indignation, some sadness, some indifference, a bit of longing, and fleeting bursts of red hot anger. One of those anger bursts just happened on my way back home from the gym today. I just had a moment of realization that my ex (let’s call him Austin as a token to my joke name for him during our relationship “Austin Tacious”. Yes, even while in love with him I knew he was an ass), not for one second, let himself go enough to ever give this relationship a chance. He’s in his mid-thirties, a reformed (for the most part) playboy, and has had somewhere around five serious relationships in his life. All of which ended in lies and cheating by one partner or the other or both. The last serious relationship he had carried into ours by the way of late night texts, frequent phone calls, and a few “wrongly dated” (as in the date on the picture was wrong…) ass-in-the-mirror selfies (yes he actually thought that was believable). So needless to say, I wasn’t ok with said ex being in our new life together. And this is was the beginning of the end. To make a long story short – he never gave this girl up 100%. Because he was never 100% into us. He wouldn’t allow himself to be in fear of getting hurt again. Any time I would break down a wall after hours of talking and crying and explaining, it would be right back up again in the morning. And I’d be left feeling cheated and exasperated.

But here is my reasoning for this post and for my post-workout anger. If you have the desire to begin a new life with someone, commit to them, spend time with them and invest in a future together… then cut the bullshit. We have all been hurt before. We have all been lied to. We have all cried and wished that things could have gone differently. To use this crap against a new partner (through passive aggression, wall-building, dishonesty, etc.) is to waste someones valuable time. You are now burdening them with “fixing” the damage that someone else entirely has caused you. And maybe you wont ever even let it be fixed and instead you will torture them with it until they give up on you (ooh that sounds fun, right?).

Austin and I were doomed before we started because he was never going to give me his all. He had already given it to others and had none left for me. So what I got instead was two years of wondering why it was that I was never trustworthy (no matter how far I went in attempting to prove this… “Want my passwords? here. My text records? here.” Makes me cringe now…) and why it was that he was never all that affectionate and why it was that I always felt like I was waiting for something (a breakthrough maybe?) but I wasn’t quite sure what that something was. Just a constant lingering feeling that something was off. I wish I had left when I found out about the ex. When I had seen red flags (and I did see them, early on). When he was checking my phone a month into our relationship. When I discovered for the first time that there was another woman in his life who’s presence he valued over mine (I’m talking about a recent ex-girlfriend, not a regular I’ve-never-had-sex-with-you friend or a relation- I’ve known girls that try to get in between those types of a mans relationships and that’s so not cool). And when no matter what I did or how hard I tried I was always “guilty” of something.

But I did learn something very important through all of this. When I do meet someone new that I believe is worth my time I will jump in 100 percent. This does not mean give up my life to them or become dependent on them or get too serious too quickly! This is not what I’m talking about. I’m saying that I will not hold anything against them that someone else has done, and I won’t build walls to avoid getting hurt. I just know now that if you aren’t willing to give it your all you’re shooting your horse before it even leaves the starting gate. And that’s not fair to someone who wanted to let it run and find out where it goes.


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